Then and Now

Eight years ago yesterday I became a mother for the first time. I am still amazed by this fact. I never wanted children. I'd always considered myself devoid of maternal instincts. I was mothering my career and didn't feel I had time for much else. Although that career included traveling 60-70% of the time, I was enjoying it despite the fact that it was wreaking havoc on my personal life. Much of my time was spent in sunny southern California, one of my all-time favorite places. But after about 2 years of non-stop traveling and working, I was burned out and left wondering what more there was to life.

Thirteen months after leaving that job, Emma was born.

No one prepares you for motherhood. You hear lots of stories and advice, none of which actually prepares you for what's to come. The isolation and loneliness of a first-time parent is overwhelming. Yes, there is the joy and elation that accompanies having a baby, but for me, the first year was filled with more trying moments than joyous ones.

What had burned me out and made me feel empty was suddenly beckoning me again. The humdrum corporate life, stuck in a 10x10 office all day was looking quite attractive. I felt like this most of the first 6 months of Emma's life. I wondered if I'd ever feel whole again. Would I ever feel like what I was doing mattered and would make a difference? Would I ever feel as successful as a mother as I had as a consultant?

As my confidence as a parent grew so did my overall enjoyment of being a stay-at-home mom. We lived steps away from the beach. Our summers were spent frolicking in the Atlantic Ocean, picnics at the park, strollercise with other moms and babies. What was not to love?

Emma at 3 months

Now, eight years later, I wonder where the time has gone. Where have my babies gone? That time that I once wished would end I long to have back, at times . But I am excited about their futures too. I am excited for the women they will become and the experiences they will have. Most of all, I am excited to share all of that with them.